came across this blog post.. guess this wld be one of the probs tat most of us wld be facing a few years down the road.. its worth a few tots..posted some of the comments which i tot was worth looking at too..

go here to access the blog itself.



"No Sex

I had lunch with a guy I work with who told me the unwelcome information that his new wife, who just had a baby, hasn't had sex with him for 8 months now. She didn't want to have sex while she was pregnant, which he didn't like, but assumed would end when she was no longer pregnant. There was nothing physically wrong with her, and no doctor made this reccomendation, she just decided that's the way it would go down, so to speak.

It's been five months now, since the baby was born. She's fine, the baby's fine, and she still won't have sex with him. He told me that he feels like he is falling out of love with her. If they don't have sex, he doesn't feel like he's in love anymore.

I can't wait to read the screaming comments I get on this blog post but here's the deal, I take his side in this. His wife is lucky enough to be a full time stay at home mom, while he is working 12 hour days, so I just don't buy that she is too tired, and furthermore (here's where I'll be really unpopular) so what?

You heard me. So what?

I am tired of women who marry a guy, expect him to be faithful, and then refuse to have sex with him, and then act all surprised when he wants to end the relationship.

Every sex expert out there will tell you that men bond through sex. Cuddling is what that do when they can't have sex, or want to get to sex. If you don't have sex with the guy in your life, he stops loving you.

And I don't blame him.

Sure, your his partner and his friend and his confident and a lot of other things but if you married him, you made him promise to have sex with you and only you, and if you don't have sex with him, you are a terrible wife, and he may very well leave you.

And I don't blame him.

Marriage is a deal. Sex was part of the deal. When you break the deal, don't be surprised if he breaks the deal, because the fact is, you broke the deal first.

Now go ahead and start yelling at me."

and the comments:

"An idea, remember what attracted each other and then never forget it. Don't let that flame go out. and, as far as relationships, anyway, learn and share everything together. Be each others best friend and always be there for each other."

"Wow. I agree with all the moms out there, as I am a mom of two myself. No childless person, or even a parent of a baby that is on a "perfect schedule" has any idea how much getting up every 2hours through the night only can affect your daytime mood and happiness. Then throw in the fact that SAHM get very little validation for any work they do...and bam you are ripe for low self esteem and depression. I really agree with the poster that talked about things in life taking away sex temporarily (cancer, babies, depression,etc). If you love your partner then you see there is more to any person than their sexual parts. intimacy is built into healthy relationships in so many other ways. NO ONE should ever feel they need to do something they don't want to do. I am more outraged by the response posts to this than the actual blog. Dont bargain with sex. to withhold, or to unwillingly "put out" is wrong. Sex is to be enjoyed its not a tool to use to punish or keep any person. They need help with their marriage...not sex"

"Maybe if the husband during his FREE time, instead of doing something fun -went HOME and took care of the baby so that his wife could get some UNINTERRUPTED sleep. There is no greater libido killer than RESENTMENT! I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that during hubby's down time he isn't helping his wife at all and only thinking about himself. I personally, would rather have my two front teeth pulled than give one minute of PLEASURE to a man that I was ready to kill because he was do DAMN SELFISH. I don't even need to know the whole story. The mere fact that he's male and the wife doesn't want to have sex with him (and I'm guessing he is young) pretty much tells me exactly what is going on. Why do all men have such a hard time learning that if you want your wife to want you, surprise! YOU NEED TO MAKE IT GOOD FOR HER! All women love sex. There is either a hormone problem or her husband sucks in bed. When it's done right, that is, and not by the 3 minute wonder."

"First of all, the Grrl Genius isn't trying to steal this man... don't you people bother to read her posts? Or are you too lazy... so lazy that having a couple of kids is all you can handle in life. I've got two children, a full time job, and yes, it can be exhausting. But I have a great sex life with my husband. What sort of marriage would I have if I didn't even want to make love for eight months? BD"

"As a gay man, I believe I've done a little more research in this area than most of you. To a man, sex is an expression of love, the way communication is an expression of love to a woman. If a man refused to speak to you for eight months, you would certainly feel unloved, no matter what his excuse. Refusing sex for eight months sends your man the clear message that you don't love him. That's what this is all about."


"You know, in the past, I'd have disagreed with you. But now I'm living with a roommate whose dating life consists almost exclusively of providing sex that men aren't getting in their marriage. (They also, incidentally, often begin such relationships by having just the type of discussion you had with your co-worker.) Now I realize that it's much easier for a man to go looking elsewhere for sex than it is for him to work on any problems that may be causing the "dry spell." There are plenty of women who are happy to provide it.

So I agree, not with the principle of what you're saying, but with the facts: it's laughably easy for a man to first find someone who is sympathetic to his unhappiness (and does not care about his wife's side), and then will provide what he feels he is lacking. You may think of it as an expression of love and feeling close to each other, but he can and will get it from someone he neither loves nor feels close to.

Trust me."


"I think you are an absolute idiot!!! There is a lot more to marriage than sex. Does "for better or for worse" ring a bell? I think that you and your friend both throw the word divorce around like it's nothing. If he wasn't committed to his wife in the beginning then he shouldn't have married her. But he did and he has to realize that marriage goes a whole lot deeper than sex. What if one of them had some sort of an accident that prevented them from having sex again!?! Would you say divorce is the answer? I can't tell you how much it urks me listening to people like you who obviously don't have a clue what a real deep committed relationship is built of. Oh, and finally, this guy shouldn't be talking to you about this....he should be talking to his wife. Hearing about it from a third party (YOU) is completely unreliable because you don't know the half of it. It's none of your business and you shouldn't be giving him advice. You don't have a clue what you're talking about."


"If we can all agree that IF there is no medical problem (POST PARTUM), then she is heading for "other" problems because men DO equate sex to intimacy. And to all the mothers out there, "For better or worse" means things that are OUT OF YOUR CONTROL and sex isn't one of them. Why all the accusations towards women like us who are not married? We are just telling you the absolute truth, they will go somewhere else - even the good ones - don't KID yourself. And why all the screaming at Grrl Genius? They are co-workers who are friends. Better yet to talk about it to someone than act on it with someone. I know as well as everyone else here, women use sex as a weapon and if they take it to such a degree, men will retaliate. You may not like it, but is is the way the world is. I have a hard time believing all these moms who claim that it's because of the babies. I'm going to bet they weren't that hot to trot to begin with. All this man-bashing is a joke when it is women who have the biggest sexual hang-ups. Single, 38"

"The problem is that married guys only see the goal-sex. They figure just because they are married the wife has to do it. Well, if the guy would stop being hung up with the fact that his wife isn't 'putting out' and start trying to romance her again, maybe he wouldn't have that problem. She needs to feel beautiful, but she might feel ugly and useless because she feels she is failing him. But truthfully, he is failing her. He needs to be more mature about the situation and focus on her needs. There is always two sides to a story, don't judge her, she is a new mother. Everything is new to her, obviously. He must also be new at this, so someone should explain things to him. Sometimes we see only the thing affecting us and not the other party. He needs to listen up!"






lessons tat i learnt:

1. post partum depression can make moms resistant to sex
2. post partum depression can result from work overload yet little recognition for the workload.
3. to men, sex is an expression of love, juz like how communication is to women.
4. that is why men feel unloved when their wife refuse to have sex with them, and tend to find sex outside of marriage when it happens.
5. hence, sex is one of the (many) important factors for a successful marriage.
6. however, although sex is a means of expression of love, juz as important as communication, it is not the be all and end all of intimacy between man and wife. Intimacy can be, and shld be, achieved by many other means.
7. also, sex is juz a subset of marriage. There are many things to marriage besides sex, marriage is a convenant to love, no matter wat happens.
8. (hmmm can I then say that sex is a subset of intimacy, which is a subset of marriage??)
9. verdict: as with all other conflicts, both parties have to be understanding towards each other and work together to maintain the good relationship. In this case, the wife has to understand the husband needs sex to feel loved, otherwise the husband might stray, the husband needs to understand tat if the wife does not want sex, it is becuz she is really bogged down by the fatigue of looking after the newborn child ALL DAY, and/or tat she is depressed and hence not in the mood for sex.
10. hence, wat the husband needs to do, is to alleviate her duress by helping her with the chores, and making her feel loved by romancing her, by assuring her with respect to any doubts tat she might have, including but not limited to doubts about her attractiveness.
11. and wat the wife needs to do, is to well, enjoy and delight in the intimacy tat sex brings to the marriage, and not see it as a chore.