great. i'm in a depressive mood again. mebbe its got to do with the music i'm listening to, but then, its supposed to be soothing leh. its jim brickman, goodness.

its actually kinda irritating, this nature of mine: to be depressive when htere's nothing to be happy about. i mean, if there's nothing to be happy about, hten juz dun be happy, dun be sad, right? but no!! i muz create trouble for myself and feel depressive about everything.

i notice that usually, when there is sthg to be happy about, i'l focus on tat happy issue and juz be happy happy. and be chirpy and bubbly throughout. but when there's NOTHING to be happy about, my focuz will be on other issues, and being teh gal with the low self-esteem, i will tend to cast everything about myself in a negative light. like, "oh, i dance so lousily, so low class", "oh, my dance costume is so kiddy", "oh, my fyp is like chicken feed but i'm still finding difficulty in handling it. i'm so incapable", "my relationship skills sux" and "i'm really lousy at giving comfort to pp" and etc etc etc..haiz.

it doesnt help that it seems to be yet another season of change. i rem i posted sthg along the lines of everythign seems to be changing.. again it seems to be the case now. i have accepted that things are never gg back the way before in dance, but now, my rships with my closer frens are not spared. i realise this all the more so while reading someone's blog, i suddenly feel so distant from her.. actually the distance has been growing since qte some time ago.. but we have been putting in efforts to meet up and all tat, so its not so bad. but now..everyone has grown so much.. except me. i'm still the lil gal.. taking forever to grow up.

seriously many a times i'd think back to my younger days, and wonder how i have changed, or grown. definitely there is some changes and maturity attained.. but still i feel like a lil child compared to all my frens.. and i dun like it loh. i jzu dun like to feel stupid or incapable, altho tat is wat i feel most of the times. heh. mebbe tats y i'm such an unhappy lil gal.

haiz. and the thing is, the more i feel unhappy, the worse i feel. its like a cycle.. i will feel unhappy about the fact that i'm unhappy..cuz i believe no one loves a grumpy gal. so as long as there is sthg making me unhappy, i'll be unhappy for a long time.. until sthg happy happens and takes my attn away. erm does it make sense??

Father, please take away the void in my soul.. and fill me with joy. that i may be salt and light to this earth, that i may bless those around me becuz of You. help me to look towards You, juz like the sunflower looks to the sun. in the name of Jesus, amen.

You Are A: Duckling!

The cutest of the cute, these baby ducks are often spotted in the spring following closely behind their mother. As a duckling you will grow up quickly, becoming one of the adult ducks seen commonly in ponds and streams. Playful and timid, charming and vulnerable, ducklings are nature's very definition of innocence.

You were almost a: Frog or a Chipmunk
You are least like a: Monkey or a PuppyWhat Cute Animal Are You?

music of the moment: starry night

hmmm i seem to be a lil deaf in my left ear...(to heisuke: no its not cuz i drop too much hair.....) seems like its slightly swollen on the inside too..

if it doesnt get better by the end of exams.. im' gonna see the doc liao.....

music of the moment: starry night

surprise!! i've put music on the blog again.. does it sound familiar to you???

tats the best quality i (or rather heisuke) can come up with.. sorry if it made you cringe or anything.. if it does.. feedback to me ok?? will see the response and decide if i wanna take it down.. hee.

credits to heisuke this time!

my dance partner has a good voice. has potential to become a successful singer. juz tat he lacks training and occasionally goes terribly off key. haha.

i strongly encourage him to go for singing lessons and thus stretch his potential. who noes, he may juz be discovered at the music school and be dragged to the recording studio to record an album which will sell to platinum status. haha.

even if sadly, he isnt discovered at the music school, he can still take part in the next season of the singing competition: project superstar. and then, based on the superb singing skills he has honed in teh school, he can win the votes of many fans and thus become kelvin tan's successor. and yes, i'll vote for you, dun worry. haha.

hmmmm but then, if he pursues his singing career, he'll give up his potentially equally illustrious dancing career. and i'll be left without a dance partner again!! so cannot cannot. i take back all my encouragements haha.

happy or not?? i blogged one whole entry about you.. haha. better be nice to me and dance well w me ok!!

am i gonna stay another sem in NTU????? i really hope not!! yesterday's paper was really easy.. but i didnt noe how to do, and i think i was too panicky to htink of flipping through the notes even tho it was an open-book exam. so.. in the end, i was only confident of 1.5 question. hmmmm the last time i only knew how to do one question, i failed teh paper.. mebbe this time i'll get a D??? *cross fingers* if i fail this paper, it means i'll have to take 8 papers next sem.. and i seriously dun think i can pass 8 papers at one go (i have taken 8 papers before so i know how it like.. and i din pass them all loh). and hwich means, i'll have to stay another sem in NTU to retake teh modules which i failed......

sobz. but its ok, cuz i know watever happens, He'll pull me through.. i muz have faith in Him!


and i really hope i havent sprained my foot again. i did blog about spraining my foot last time, and now my foot seems to be feeling the same as then, but not as serious. again, have no idea why i sprained my foot this time. hmmmm hope it recovers soon, i dun wanna blow my $60 goodbye to the chiropractioner!!

ya.. i'm short of money nowadays.. i've been spending ALOT on dance lately.. lets see..
120 on latin technique,
195 (including the ones which i'll be taking after my exams) on private lessons with sharon,
200 on new costume (which i'm really excited about.. mebbe will talk more about tat when im more free, hehe),
and now i'm thinking of whether to buy this pair of dance shoes hwich is gonna cost about 270 in total.. goodness.
including the dance shoes, my expenditure wld amount to a grand total of 785.. which is only 115 short of the 900 i estimated for my hongkong trip. and to think i opted not to go hongkong so as to save money. alot of money i saved eh. heh.

ok one happy thing to blog about today: the water supply in my house is finally repaired!! err as in, its pressurized.. cuz previously the water pressure was really low.. such that there can only be one tap open fully at any one time. so.. which means.. if i'm bathing, and this person turns on the tap in another part of the house, my water supply will suddenly be cut off. and seriously its not a nice feeling standing in the shower, naked, wet, cold (cuz of evaporation of the water) and all soaped up for like 3 mins juz waiting for the water supply to return. and of cuz if i'm rushing for time (which i always do) i'll be really irritated about the time wasted when the water supply's cut off. and becuz i dun really like my neighbours to hear my family shout at each other (jia1 chou3 bu4 ke3 wai4 yang2)(you noe how ur neighbours can hear you if you're shouting in the toilet), i usually refrain from yelling at the other water user to stop using wtaer, and so i end up having to tolerate this kind of inconvenience everytime time i bathe. but!! now no more!!! haha......

yup htink i'm gonna bathe now, even tho my grandpa's using the other bathroom at the same time. previously i'd wait until he comes out, but now i dun have to!

and oh, quote from a fren's msn nick: "the only place where SUCCESS comes before WORK is in the dictionary!" haha. looks like i better stop blogging now . actually wanted to juz write teh first 2 sentences in this entry today, but i was getting sick of reading super short entries everytime i check on my blog. heh. so decided to juz waste abit of time and write a longer entry today, like wat i did more in the past. hmmmm come to think of it, strangely i've been reminscing about the past (not hte unhappy ones tho, thank goodness) these few days.. i even asked my mom to cook crabs for me on my birthday, cuz i missed the times when she cooked crabs for dinner.. hmmmmmmmm....

ok i shld really stop being complacent about the amount of time i have for studying and really go off now.. ciao and all the best for all ur papers! lets all jiayou together~~

the last time i had any ounce of hope of getting an A for my exams was qte a long time ago.. in fact, its exactly 4 years ago.. which is also about the amount of time that i've spent in NTU.

bleah.

haiz. i seriously tink i shldnt let my confusions upset pp anymore. i have thus decided to be firm.. and to be cruel.. i feel that sometimes to be kind, we have to be cruel first.. and this time, it is teh same.

so all i can say is.. He will give us strength to pull through this ok.. juz rely on Him..

i guess the timing is a bit lousy, but i was afraid if i drag on, absence will make hte heart grow fonder.. and things will be worse then.

do take care..........

*suffocated*

*breathless*

*irritated*

*pissed*

*dunno wat's happening*

arrrrghhh

this song was written by a fren of the singer after losing 2 loved ones in teh span of 48 hours.. expresses our hope in the Lord when we go through tormentous times..
let us all be reminded that altho our nightmares are not taken away from us, He is there holding us when we're suffering...

"This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held."

click here to listen to the song and read the lyrics at the same time..

held
artiste: natalie grant
lyrics by crystal wells

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.