great. i'm in a depressive mood again. mebbe its got to do with the music i'm listening to, but then, its supposed to be soothing leh. its jim brickman, goodness.

its actually kinda irritating, this nature of mine: to be depressive when htere's nothing to be happy about. i mean, if there's nothing to be happy about, hten juz dun be happy, dun be sad, right? but no!! i muz create trouble for myself and feel depressive about everything.

i notice that usually, when there is sthg to be happy about, i'l focus on tat happy issue and juz be happy happy. and be chirpy and bubbly throughout. but when there's NOTHING to be happy about, my focuz will be on other issues, and being teh gal with the low self-esteem, i will tend to cast everything about myself in a negative light. like, "oh, i dance so lousily, so low class", "oh, my dance costume is so kiddy", "oh, my fyp is like chicken feed but i'm still finding difficulty in handling it. i'm so incapable", "my relationship skills sux" and "i'm really lousy at giving comfort to pp" and etc etc etc..haiz.

it doesnt help that it seems to be yet another season of change. i rem i posted sthg along the lines of everythign seems to be changing.. again it seems to be the case now. i have accepted that things are never gg back the way before in dance, but now, my rships with my closer frens are not spared. i realise this all the more so while reading someone's blog, i suddenly feel so distant from her.. actually the distance has been growing since qte some time ago.. but we have been putting in efforts to meet up and all tat, so its not so bad. but now..everyone has grown so much.. except me. i'm still the lil gal.. taking forever to grow up.

seriously many a times i'd think back to my younger days, and wonder how i have changed, or grown. definitely there is some changes and maturity attained.. but still i feel like a lil child compared to all my frens.. and i dun like it loh. i jzu dun like to feel stupid or incapable, altho tat is wat i feel most of the times. heh. mebbe tats y i'm such an unhappy lil gal.

haiz. and the thing is, the more i feel unhappy, the worse i feel. its like a cycle.. i will feel unhappy about the fact that i'm unhappy..cuz i believe no one loves a grumpy gal. so as long as there is sthg making me unhappy, i'll be unhappy for a long time.. until sthg happy happens and takes my attn away. erm does it make sense??

Father, please take away the void in my soul.. and fill me with joy. that i may be salt and light to this earth, that i may bless those around me becuz of You. help me to look towards You, juz like the sunflower looks to the sun. in the name of Jesus, amen.